Year Five: Transitions

Between a pregnancy, homeschooling, and Toffer’s travel schedule the past year, my life has existed primarily within the concrete walls of our house.  Until a few months ago, most of my excursions outside the house were limited to doctor appointments, grocery and household shopping, church (the weeks I managed to get there), some lunches with our team, and very occasionally meeting a friend.  On top of that, we had fairly limited internet for a number of months, so connecting with people back in the US was not nearly as frequent as it once had been.  I’ll be very honest and say that this was the hardest year for me aside from our first year on the field.  I spent a lot of the year feeling isolated, lonely, and not having a lot of options or energy to change that.

The things that drained and spent me, the things that isolated me, were good and right to be doing. I absolutely would say that carrying, giving birth to, and caring for our daughter was the right thing to do.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave her to us. I’m so thankful Abigail is how God answered our prayers about what was going to come next for our family.  She’s sweet and LOVES her Mama and her older brothers took to having a baby sister like fish to water.  God knew we needed her in our family even when we didn’t.

Teaching our school age boys while trying to keep a toddler from flooding the house or throwing things out the window is a God-sized task I rarely feel that I am properly equipped or adequate for.  But it’s the right thing to do.  We’ve talked and prayed and sought counsel of people who know us and we have yet to find someone who says we should send our kids to school.  Every family is different.  What’s good and right for our kids is to be at home in this season.

Toffer’s work is valuable.  Samuel even so graciously said to me, “People say Baba is more important because the work he does is important.” Thanks, Samuel, for that piece of encouragement. {insert sarcasm emoji}  While I know that the work Toffer does is not more important than the work I do, I do know that what he does is valuable and is the right job for him and a good thing in a dark and desperate world.  And someday, when this world has gone back to dust and we are sitting on the other side of the tapestry the Master Weaver has made, we will see how the things done quietly in these years fit into the grand picture.

Doing what is good and right, following the path God laid before us, does not equal easy or secure.  It does not mean I woke up every morning feeling great and confident in who I am and in what God has for me. A lot of days it was the opposite. I felt burdened with the things I carried in my heart that I couldn’t share. I felt overwhelmed with raising five kids and feeling like no matter what I did I was doing something, or everything, wrong.  I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t enough for anybody, like I deserved the isolation and loneliness.  In reality, this was just a hard year.  I’m learning and growing to understand who I am and what God made me to do.  This year has been part of that process.  I will continue seeking the good and the right, seeking God’s path for my steps, knowing that He will make a way.